match report
BCHE OLD BOYS V SOME WHIPPERSNAPPERS AND A FEW OLD FARTS.
Lambrettas Bar, Bath, Friday May 14th 2010, 8pm…and the pre-pub-pre-match warm-up was going well.
Captain Earl was drinking Peroni lager, striker Downes chose Carling, super-sub Ashby went for the Guinness…vice-captain Podmore drank Bellringer Ale, and had the stupidest coat in the world. Tactics were discussed over a roll-up outside, the conclusion being drawn that ‘whoever turns up will play’.
Captain Earl was reported to have fallen asleep at the bar of his hotel, clutching a pint, with a pizza on his lap.
Such is the stress of modern day management.
Pig and Fiddle, Bath, Saturday May 15th 2010, 2pm…and the pub-pre-match warm-up was in full flow.
The above miscreants were behaving as they had done the night before…Podmore having very wisely chosen to dump the coat…and Earl now being conscious. Rest of the team had now arrived, complete with WAGS…well apart from Rich.
Robbie was also absent, having been diagnosed with Homo-Weddingitis.
Neil Mahoney was also not available, due to a high tax on heavily loaded long-haul flights.
The usual chaos ensued, with everybody on fine form. Centre-half Chriddo Davis and right-back Matty Ward were seen sharing a jar of lethal strength cocktails, which Davis decided was best washed down with a whole loaf of bread. The evening ended with Messers Podmore, Wilmott, Earl, Ashby and Haynes (emergency bouncer/motivationalist) at a disco in the Huntsman at midnight.
“It doesn’t get any ropier than this…” Wilmott was heard to mutter….
followed swiftly by “…whose round is…hic…it??”
Bath University, Sunday May 16th 2010. Matchday.
Tensions ran high in the BCHE changing rooms. This was due to a number of factors: lack of pre-match preparation time (Wilmott and Earl arrived last of all, in a taxi…bearing in mind that our heroic goalkeeper, Mr Stuart Fennel, had driven up from Portsmouth before they managed to even get out of bed); One or two members of the team were lacking the correct kit…namely Davis, who was rumoured to have lost his Barcelona whilst placing outlandish bets at the Houston State Rodeo; and of course the fact that as native Newton Parkers, being on University grounds makes us edgy. And so we kicked off.
Team: Fennel; Ward, Woods, Davis, Hulbert; Philcox, Wilmott, Earl, Stevens; Bray, Downes.
Sub: Chewbacca.
A clear and bright morning heralded the start of the match. BCHE began well, with Stevens piling forward and unleashing a couple of shots which narrowly missed….the corner flag. “Don’t go overboard” were skipper Earl’s words of advice, and Stevens dutifully returned to covering for Woods’ utter lack of pace in defence.
The first real threat to Fennel’s goal came in the form of a corner…or it may have just been a cross…I forget…but either way, Davis rose magnificently, salmon-esque, to confidently head clear.
Sadly, he also heads a ball like a f*cking salmon, and somehow managed, with his back to goal, to head the ball directly into the ground, with enough backspin to send it behind and over his own goal-keeper.
In-f*cking-credible if you think about it too long…but better than being carried off injured after ten seconds…supposedly.
BCHE pushed forward as best they could, and kept the opposition at bay for the majority of the rest of the first half…Hulbert showing his eternal class at the back, despite having not played competitively for quite a while.
Half time:
BCHE 0 – 1 F*CKING CHRIDDO
The second half began brightly, with BCHE tiring a little, but showing their true class in knocking the ball about with fluid ease (this, after all saves any of us from having to run too far). Philcox was lionhearted in his pursuit of an equaliser, indeed at one point he seem determined to tunnel towards the opposition’s goal.
At last a breakthrough…some good work in midfield from Earl and Wilmott pushed the ball out to Stevens, who slid a pass towards the evergreen Bray…who in turn found Downes on the edge of the eighteen yard box. Still with work to do, Downes turned his defender inside out like a rubber glove, and stroked the ball into the net with his trusty right foot.
BCHE 1 – 1 STILL CANT BELIEVE THAT GOAL
At this point, Stevens Junior arrived pitch side, having been driven there by his mother or something like that, and announced that he couldn’t take his place on the bench due to a broken fingernail.
Then disaster. The other team (who cares??!) broke through the midfield, and hoofed a hopeful ball right to the feet of Simon Bloody Emmett.
He fluked a goal.
So what.
BCHE 1 – 2 CHRIDDO AND A JAMMY SOD
Into the dying stages. Having played his heart out, Hulbert was replaced by Ashby, who entered the fray at left midfield, his game being all about pace and touch.
Shockingly…he wasn’t too bad.
At one point or another, the opposition (this may be a slightly subjective report) managed to fluke getting a corner, but thankfully Stevens was on the line to head clear as the ball looped over Fennel. Everybody congratulated Stevens, not so much for the clearance, but more out of relief that it hadn’t been bloody Davis there, with his fifty-pence head.
Throwing everything forward, the BCHE HEROES were determined not to lose their 100% unbeaten record…having already lost their 100% hen-pecked midfielder to a wedding…of all things.
At last a breakthrough…Philcox, battling bravely against his late 30’s, managed to push the ball through to Downes, who turning on his left-foot this time, calmly popped his joint into an ashtray, and levelled the match with a long accurate strike.
Nothing else happened after that. We are ace.
The end.